21 Feb Starting Marriage Out Right
As the month draws to an end so does this series regarding dating, courtship, engagement and marriage. It reminds me of the young bride on her wedding day who told her mother, “I am at the end of my troubles!” Mother wisely responds, “Yes, but which end?”
If a couple got to know one another through “3-P” dating (planned, paid for and paired off), courted carefully and intentionally, and used their engagement period to establish practices and barriers commensurate with a wise marriage, they are well ahead of their peers. There are no shortcuts to preparing for a successful life together. Starting the marriage on the right foot greatly reduces the chance that that marriage will come to an end.
This week I’d like to share some direction to strengthen that marriage as it begins, advice that comes from working with a lot of good people whose marriages have gone bad through ignorance, and not for lack of effort. Some of this will be hard advice, requiring some real effort. But it is guaranteed to serve you well as you begin on the journey that will determine your happiness and success in this life more than any other endeavor.
• Continue to court your spouse. How would you respond to a son or daughter who worked hard for months—even years—to make the varsity sports team…only to sit back and passively ride the bench once their spot was secured? I am embarrassed at how many of my gender follow that strategy, and then are surprised that their wives don’t feel loved and appreciated.
When your wife agreed to marry you she did it with the reasonable expectation that you would continue to be at least as interested in her as you were then. Think about her throughout the day and tell her about the great things you love about her. Show her how wonderful you think she is, and you might be surprised to find that you actually come to enjoy and appreciate her more as a result.
• Care at least as much about your spouse’s needs, preferences or interests as your own. Gordon B. Hinckley, (former) president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints offered this wise advice to women and men alike. This kind of selflessness is not an easy thing to achieve. In fact it is not even natural; it is divine.
Day-to-day conflicts fade as we carefully look out for one another. This approach also allows us to work together in finding the best, most effective solutions as challenges and opportunities arise. Because we are carefully considering the perspectives of the other we stop competing and see possibilities neither of us could otherwise see.
• Be transparent; this is no place for manipulation or gamesmanship. Media and popular culture are replete with bad relationship advice. I am sometimes surprised to see how frequently adults follow the same relationship strategies we saw in junior high school—playing hard to get, acting aloof, or employing friends, family or Facebook to send messages intended for one’s spouse.
Be willing to be vulnerable, even if that means you will experience hurt and disappointment. In fact, I’ll guarantee you’ll experience both in marriage. But only those who are open, honest, kind and gentle in exposing their hearts can ever get their needs met in marriage.
Marriage is fantastic. Sometimes it is fantastically hard. But most of marital failures could easily be avoided or repaired by following the strategies above. As David O. McKay frequently stated, no success can compensate for failure in the home. Don’t fail to raise your marriage above the mundane and seek the divine right from the very beginning.
Michael D. Williams is a licensed psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist with over 25 years’ experience. You can comment or offer ideas for future articles at MichaelWilliamsCounseling.com or contact him at 208.360.2365.