07 Feb Order in the Court-ship!
“Courting” sounds so old-fashioned, so unhip, so…well, so much like my parents. The idea of working hard to know someone, to demonstrate your value and your values, and practicing cooperating with another adult seems awfully dull. Perhaps that is one key reason our parents generally stayed married longer and reported higher levels of marital satisfaction than we do.
In truth very few young people understand the term courtship. I like to think of it by breaking it down: court—a planned trial to arrive at a wise outcome, and ship—a means of going somewhere different, and where the journey is perhaps as important as the destination.
Remember dating—those planned, paid for, paired off activities that set up opportunities to have fun while getting to know ourselves and others? This “3-P Dating” helps the participants to develop skills that will serve them well in marriage. Planning dates prepares a young man to lead and work with a woman to provide direction in a home. When dates are paid for it gives him the chance to practice and to demonstrate his abilities to provide for a family in the future, while she helps to make the date fun within a reasonable budget. When the couple is paired off they practice being attentive to one another, focusing on the other’s well-being as well as their own. It helps a young man to practice protecting a young woman, and helps her to practice nurturing—bringing out the best in him.
One of the great things about dating is that both parties benefit from practicing and developing these skills together, even if they eventually marry someone else. With dating, everybody wins.
With courtship we begin to date exclusively. We now practice those dating skills very intentionally with an eye on long-term possibilities. There is a trial of sorts, as each tries on this relationship to see whether it would be wise to make this partnership permanent.
Let me point out two common mistakes that many make when they slide toward marriage, rather than moving thoughtfully and carefully: Many date exclusively long before they are really ready to explore marriage. But they become prematurely attached as they rely upon that one person to entertain and assure them they are loveable. Others stop dating entirely once they become “serious”, reverting to hanging out once they have dibs on someone. After all, why bate the hook when we already have a sucker on the line?
You might be interested to know that when I help couples improve their marriages I first gather some detailed information of their relationship, beginning with how the relationship developed. Almost without exception, concerns that bring them to the office began as they skipped a step in proper dating and courtship early on. We can build our skills and confidence in one another as we plan dates that approximate what we will do in marriage—solve problems together, try things that are new and challenging, participating in tasks with others, etc.
Wise courtship also means mutual self-disclosure, each of us discussing our thoughts and feelings on important matters. One advantage of 3-P Dating is that it provides opportunities to discuss things that matter. If we go help the neighbors shovel snow we learn about our partner’s thoughts and feelings about helping others, and it allows a chance to share our own.
Some people assume this means we should “let it all hang out”, venting our temporary urges and irritations. In a word…DON’T! As I sometime tell clients, venting is for clothes dryers and volcanoes. Wise people don’t vent but connect. Continued, thoughtful dates once a couple becomes exclusive helps them to better explore and develop their relationship, and to make wiser decisions.
So please approach courtship in a thoughtful, orderly manner. It is an opportunity to learn and grow. It is also an opportunity to sail into something truly wise and beautiful. So this Valentine’s Day forget about the Love Boat and focus on the Court-Ship.