14 Feb Anxiously Engaged
I would bet that at least 50 couples in our reading area got engaged in the past week. (I understand; I proposed to my wife on V-Day as well.) Even if you did not make or accept a proposal of everlasting love and commitment in the past week you can still listen in this week. I suspect you’re in for a few surprises.
Many men think of the engagement period as a simple formality, just a way to get a guy to support his fiancé in looking and feeling like a princess for one day of her life. A lot of women would agree. But no, it turns out that the engagement period is a very important turning point. This is your opportunity to plan and practice your whole marriage, not just your wedding and reception.
It is right in the scriptures: “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged…” (DC 58:27) Okay, I admit I took that one way out of context. There is a lesson to be had, nevertheless: rather than passively responding to the traditional hassles associated with this rite of passage, step up and proactively take advantage of the once-in-a-marriage opportunity to establish patterns you will want to follow through eternity.
Here are some guidelines you may consider as you plan your marriage, not just your wedding:
Make decisions as one. Wedding planning entails a wide variety of decisions. Your kids will laugh at the width of your lapels and the colors you choose regardless, so perhaps those are not the most important decisions you will make. But the way in which you make those decisions will matter.
Young couples expect that they will need to learn to compromise. I disagree. Couples would be very wise to begin now making decisions by consensus—working carefully together to come to one unified decision, rather than negotiating around personal preferences. Consensus requires carefully considering a shared objective and focusing on how best we can accomplish the objective without regard for our preferences. This is not easy. In fact it is unusual for couples to develop the ability to make unified decisions.
I would go so far as to say that it is not natural to make decisions as one; it is divine. The best time to establish that pattern is as you begin the marriage.
Establish clear boundaries. Most young ladies plan their weddings with their girlfriends and their mothers, growing closer to one another as they share these exciting events. It should come as no surprise, then, that many husbands consider the actual marriage to be the wife’s domain; after all, she planned her wedding while he basically showed up.
Wise couples begin setting up their own new boundaries together. Like the white picket fence around the ideal honeymoon cottage, wise couples begin to establish clear bounds that nudge friends and family outside the border. They make decisions together and place their respective wishes and values above any others’. Like a picket fence, clear marriage boundaries are difficult to straddle and keep trespassers out.
Blend resources. Couples who maintain separate bank accounts establish a “mine-and-yours” mentality that usually carries into other aspects of marriage. Wise coupes realize that every resource or liability belonging to one will soon below to both. These are our cars, our debts, our paychecks, our accounts and our responsibilities.
Don’t let the engagement period go to waste. Like aiming a cannon, the direction established during the engagement period establishes the trajectory of the marriage. Patterns set early on will be difficult to redirect. Why not aim for the kind of marriage you really want?
Michael D. Williams is a licensed psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist with over 25 years’ experience. You can respond on his blog—MichaelWilliamsCounseling.com—or contact him at 360-2365.