24 Jun Home Alone…As a Couple
Some time ago my son, Tyler, introduced me to “Honest Trailers” on YouTube, silly reviews of popular films. Last night I saw the clip for the 1990 Christmas comedy “Home Alone” and it hit me—this week Tyler will move out, and Ruth and I will be “home alone” without children for the first time in 29 years.
Couples are most susceptible to divorce in the first two-to-five years of marriage, as children enter the picture and begin to change the shape of the newly-formed family. The second and third most vulnerable times in the marriage are when the children begin to venture out into their own, emptying the nest, and when the last one finally flies the coop. What a shame that so many good people did not prepare to enjoy their entire married lives together, especially their empty nest years.
Most couples begin as young, starry-eyed dreamers, eager to set sail into the world together. Then life happens and most lose their way. Many sadly end up shipwrecked and stranded on the shoals.
Studies reveal that most couples become less and less enchanted with their marriages shortly after the arrival of each child, and that the trend continues until those children begin to leave the home. Wives and husband tend to naturally become preoccupied with the children and with the tasks to maintain family life and forget to maintain the contact and interest that brought them together.
On the other hand a few wise couples actually become closer and happier with family transition. Those wise, effect couples recognize the foibles of these natural tendencies and look for opportunities to draw together through each stage of marriage and family life.
If you see your marriage in trouble and worry that you are in trouble you need to get to work right now. You almost certainly already possess the skills; you need to go back to the basics that you so naturally used as the two of you got to know one another.
Look for opportunities to express love. Don’t wait until “the right moment” to tell and show your partner that you love them. And don’t be subtle and coy about it; that is for wimps and manipulators. Reach over and touch them in some kind way, look them in the eye with a smile and tell them, “I love you”. Repeat several times each day.
Go on dates each week. Remember dating, that thing you did to lure your spouse into thinking that you were great and would be fun to live with? It’s time to live up to the implied contract and plan some simple, enjoyable activities the two of you can share together. Even we middle-aged folks can have a great time on double- or group-dates. The key is to create some weekly opportunity to interrupt the routine and demonstrate that your partner is worthy of your time and full attention.
Make contact throughout the day. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss first thing in the morning. (Yes, that means you probably ought to brush your teeth even before breakfast.) Text and call one another during the day just to say hello and ask about their day. Flirt a little! It wasn’t too hard to do when you were dating, no matter how busy you were. It is a higher priority now than it ever was then.
Be physically intimate in many ways. Yes, men, you will need to cuddle. Remember how great it was to sit on the sofa or in the beanbag chair and just snuggle up while watching TV or talking about your day? She probably misses that as much as you do. You just may need to resist the urge to be too overt in your affection or your wife might get the idea that this is the only reason you want to hold her. You were able to resist during your dating years; you can manage it now.
Begin now to reinvest in your marriage. You can enjoy marriage now and prepare yourselves to be “home alone” in the most joyful way possible.
Michael D. Williams is a licensed psychotherapist, a Marriage and Family Therapist with over 25 years’ experience. Please offer comments or suggestions, and read past articles at MichaelWilliamsCounseling.com or call him at 360-2365.