28 Oct The Paradox of Protection
Working closely with young gang members in Southern California helped me to better understand the drive many feel to “get even”. Revenge seems to offer protection from being hurt, something we all desire.
A young lady recently told me, “Nice people get walked on. If I come off as mean and insincere people won’t take advantage of me.” How sad that many kind-hearted people harden their hearts as a means of protecting themselves from potential pain, only to find that this strategy of insulation always results in isolation.
Michael Popkin (you know, the parenting educator to whom I often turn) points out that all human beings—children and adults alike—have a need for protection, and that is best accomplished by learning and practicing two skills: assertiveness and forgiveness.
“Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive” (Wikipedia). I have often described assertiveness as the ability to keep others from stepping on our toes, while aggressiveness is about stomping on others’ toes.
We generally admire the person who kindly lets us know what they believe or perceive without demeaning others. We appreciate when someone can let us know what they need or prefer without demanding that we accommodate them.
Perhaps we admire them because we realize how difficult it can be to assert ourselves without being offensive or self-serving. Assertiveness takes a good deal of practice. Like other skills it is best learned at home.
Parents who wish to raise assertive children will need to demonstrate it at home. They can be both firm and friendly at the same time, setting proper limits and boundaries without being harsh or unkind.
Those parents will also have to be tolerant of children’s less-than-perfect attempts to assert themselves. Like two year-olds, teens are prone to asserting themselves without a lot of grace. Wise parents take the time to listen to what the teen is thinking before responding.
So we have to carefully consider and discuss how and when to respond to appropriate attempts to be assertive, neither disregarding their efforts nor disregarding our need to have appropriate influence in children’s lives. This takes great wisdom and practice on our parts. You can’t raise assertive children without developing the skill yourself.
But assertiveness will not protect us from all pain. Even the most assertive people still get hurt, often by good people. So we must also teach our children to forgive.
Forgiveness—the willingness to care about and connect with those who have hurt us—is a divine quality, and absolutely necessary to develop and preserve rich relationships. Young children are usually quick to forgive, but somewhere along the way most of us struggle to wisely remain emotionally vulnerable to those who can hurt us. This usually begins in the home as well.
Parents who wish to rear forgiving children will have to show how it is done, beginning with how we respond when the child hurts or disappoints the parent. You cannot to lecture a child into forgiveness. The child will need to see it and experience it again and again, and she or he will need to experiment with forgiving others with the encouragement of wise parents who understand how hard it can be.
At the same time those parents will need to carefully demonstrate when and how to draw proper boundaries to protect themselves and others from unnecessary injury. A little boy can learn to forgive a friend who takes his toys or punches him on the playground, while also deciding not to play with him except under safer circumstances. A young lady can, and must, learn to have no hostility toward a young man who treats her rudely, while also declining to go on dates with him.
We all crave and need protection from harm, both physical and psychological. Revenge is a distorted response to that need. We would be wise to practice assertiveness, coupled with forgiveness, as a means of protecting ourselves and teaching future generations to do the same.
While it may seem ironic, those who experience the greatest joys in life are those who learn to assert themselves, but who also forgive. This combination of skills is not natural, but brings out the divine in all of us.