11 Feb How Do I Love Thee?
Several years ago I was surprised in an interview with a church leader when he asked me, “How do you love your wife?”
I am embarrassed to say that my mind immediately reached for Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You know the poem: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach…”
Then I occurred to me: He may not be asking me how much—but what I actually DO—to love my wife. My short response alluded to things I seek to do—both verbally and behaviorally, to let Ruth know how precious she is to me.
I don’t know how impressed he was with my answer. (I am pretty sure that was my objective at the time.) But I do recall the sad smile on his face in response to my answer. This made much more sense to me a couple of months later when I learned he would be released from his calling after his wife left him and their seven kids to pursue her dream of becoming a singer in a bar band.
I have since asked myself that question several times: “How do I love my wife?” The calendar often prompts this line of questioning; February is the lovers’ month, the time of year we are legally obligated to wow our spouses with our expressions of affection, right?
In marriage the golden rule—“do unto others as you would have others do unto you”—doesn’t always cut it. Nope, this is time to turn to the platinum rule—“do unto that other what they would have done unto them”.
In the movie “Hitch” Will Smith’s character (the OTHER “Date Doctor”) teaches his male clients to watch closely for what the women of their respective dreams appreciate, what makes them feel special and cherished.
It has been observed that women most often long to be cherished, to know that they are highly prized and valued by their husbands or boyfriends. One might argue that this falls in line with the fairy-tale princess theme that runs through young girls’ lives.
But as any father of a daughter can tell you, we also want to know that the man who puts a ring on her finger cherishes her so much that he will not allow anything to needlessly hurt or burden her. Women need and deserve to be cherished by their husbands.
It has also been observed that most men want badly to be admired by the women in their lives. Some sheepishly state that they feel silly yearning for the approval and appreciation of wife or girlfriend. They argue with themselves, insisting that they should not need that constant approval and yet know that they do.
Women often belittle this fact, stating that men need to “get over themselves”. And yet most men are deeply hurt when they perceive a lack of admiration from the women they love.
Let me suggest that this Valentine’s Day is a great time to step up demonstrating the love, the cherishing, the admiration we feel for our loved ones.
Start with the face: Make more eye contact. Smile with your eyes AND with your lips, keeping in mind that no one can see the tender emotions that don’t creep out onto your face. Wipe that scowl or worried frown off your face—even if work and family finances are a concern. You wouldn’t spoil a date by complaining about things so don’t do it now. Save that for a planning meeting.
Next the hands: Reach out and gently touch your partner more often. Hold hands, extend an arm to be held (especially when the sidewalk is slippery), or put an arm around a waist. When walking through the room, run your hand across a shoulder. (Yes, men, I realize you may want to pinch or pat but this other kind of touch will usually pay off better.)
Then the words: Tell your lover that you “love ‘er”. Most couples admit that they seldom express even a good fraction of the love they feel for the other. Most who show up in my office confess that they are more likely to express what they dislike than what they like in their partner. They may even argue that they have already pointed out their love and that now it is time to point out what needs to change.
But please, at least for the rest of this month, experiment with speaking only about how you cherish or admire your spouse and see what happens. Maybe you’ll find that it is also easier to be admired or cherished when your partner feels it coming their way first.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all, and most especially to Ruth—my beautiful, wonderful wife of 30 years and my best friend.
I love you!
(Note: There really are advantages of offering to write a weekly column in the Standard-Journal.)