17 Mar Coming Apart Together
Try as we might there are times that a marriage cannot be saved.
More specifically there are times and circumstances where one or both partners become convinced that they cannot/will not work together to create the type of family that meets the needs of its members. Perhaps divorce seems the best solution, dissolving the marriage and any legal obligations toward one another. In my experience, couples almost never divorce out of convenience but out of desperation.
I would argue that most marriages can and should be “salvaged”—preserved and repaired in such a way that needs are met. A large U.S. study of divorced couples revealed something remarkable: two years after the divorce 70% of respondents believe that they could have—and should have—saved the marriage. Interestingly enough, another study revealed that 70% of men had remarried by this same time, making it impossible for the family to be reconstituted as both partners believe would have been best.
Of course this becomes most important when children are involved. With very few exceptions, children fare best when reared in homes with both parents, loving and working together for the benefit of all. Once again, even those who chose to end the relationship out of desperation often agree that what they had was worth preserving and reviving. That is where professionals like myself come in.
At the same time, there are those circumstances where at least one member is no longer willing to work to that end. Certainly there are circumstances that most of us would find unbearable, especially if we saw no end to it. As difficult as it may be to work together in marriage, it may be every bit as important to learn to work together through a divorce. This is what I call “coming apart together”.
Both attorneys and law enforcement officers attest that domestic matters are the most volatile and difficult in which to intervene. Nothing provokes hostilities like a threat to—or from—those we love and who directly influence our lives.
Sadly, divorce courts often become the customary place for hurting adults to voice their pains by making formal complaints about one another. These complaints often aimed at demonstrating to the judge (and to the world) that one was wronged and deserves things—financial support, belongings and other resources—more than the other partner does.
But the greatest damage usually results from the conflict between two parents over—and through—the children.
Judges often voice their dislike for having to listen to parents, people who once loved one another, accusing and counter-accusing the other in hopes of having primary access to their children. Common differences and weaknesses now become “evidence” that the other parent is unfit and unworthy to spend time with the children each day.
The judge is then forced to make life-changing decisions based largely upon the skill of the respective attorneys in presenting their case for their clients. Unfortunately, the “evidence” used to “win” the case almost always sullies the reputations and relationships of the “loser”, if not both parents. Professional and personal reputations are tarnished, and parenting ties broken.
Some adults later admit that they felt the need to win primary custody of the children to defend their decision to divorce. If they could not show, for example, that a former spouse was mean and unreasonable they imagined the community would not see their decision to divorce as reasonable or appropriate.
But there is another way.
A number of years ago I worked with an attorney named Gary Faucette in San Luis Obispo, California. Fed up with the mud-slinging and accusations he saw in court he decided to earn a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. He reasoned that if he could understand the dynamics of marriages and families he could help couples to work together to determine the best arrangement way to meet children’s needs.
If the parents could not live together, at least they could work together with regards to the best thing that ever came of their marriage—the kids.
Faucette set aside his advocacy role to become a mediator, helping parents carefully think through and determine how best to care for the children, based upon their mutual love for that child. Yes, it can be difficult, but I have yet to hear from parents who regretted working in such a way. Reputations and relationships were not ruined and it actually cost much less in most cases.
It could be argued that if these two parents had the capacity to work well together they would likely not be divorcing. But as parents, is it not worth the effort to find the best means possible to find the best solution possible?
If you are facing divorce please, please find the best resources possible to “come apart together”—working together for the well-being of the children you brought into this world together.