10 Mar Great Dates for Empty Nesters
It can be very difficult to step back and support adult children in leaving the nest to become independent and to begin creating their own families. It is particularly difficult if one is not deeply connected with, and attached to, one’s own marriage partner. After all, they have spent almost their entire adult lives focusing on meeting the needs of children to this point. Sometimes it can be a bit frightening to consider life where those children are not at the center.
“10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters” is a book aimed at helping couples to reconnect and enjoy life together in that challenging phase of life. David and Claudia Arp have written a series of books and developed marriage enhancement courses around the “10 Great Dates” theme. Some of these are targeted at couples preparing for marriage, while others aim at married couples. This particular book has some great ideas that are worth trying for yourselves.
It is easy to get into the dinner-and-a-movie dating rut; with children at home it is often a treat simply to get out together and eat a meal that didn’t require cooking while helping kids with homework. Many wives explain that they are craving adult conversation. But married couples can end up spending much of their evening occupied by checking Facebook and email messages as conversation wanes. The “10 Great Dates” series aims to help with that.
“10 Great Dates” promotes planning two different kinds of dates. The core is the conversation date, with specific topics that help to promote closeness and reconnecting through shared ideas and plans. The “booster date” is a different kind of planned activity to have fun and share positive memories. The authors wisely suggested a range of activities to fit different cost and energy levels.
But the key to the process is that each partner comes prepared to share thoughts and observations on given topics, particularly discussing shared interests and connections. Each partner is asked to read a short chapter (fewer than 10 pages), then give some thought to some simple, but important questions that will facilitate that conversation. When the date begins they are prepared to discuss those topics, rather than staring at the smart phone.
In this particular book, Date One: Celebrating the Empty Nest begins with “empty nest first aid tips”—simple suggestions for resisting common challenges faced by couples at this phase of life. The short chapter offers suggestions for reviewing what has gone well to this point in marriage and where they might like to go in coming years, now that the children are leaving home.
Husband and wife then turn to the back of the book and tear out their respective sections to prepare for the date. A few valuable questions are presented and space to take a few notes. Questions include: What are the really great things (assets) of our relationship? What things will we never do, or never do again? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why? What would your ideal empty nest look like? What family traditions will need to change or adjust now that the kids are out of the house? and a few more.
Date conversations don’t become stale because the topics change week-to-week, building upon those that came before. Chapter titles reflect the different topics of conversation, like “Becoming a Couple Again”, “Rediscovering ‘Intimate Talk’, “Clearing the Air”, “Growing Spiritually Together”, and “Feathering Your Empty Nest with Fun”.
One of my favorite topics is “Rocking the Roles”. So few couples are prepared to adjust the roles each plays as time, needs, and skills have changed from when the roles were initially established in the marriage.
I have long observed that local couples may struggle even more with the empty nest than do couples in areas where family is (perhaps) less central to our identities. Eastern Idaho women tend to dive into the lives of their children with a flourish, while their husbands tend to focus intensely on their farms or careers as a means of assuring that necessary resources are available. But as children grow older and professional roles change, family roles are often not updated. Partners get stuck and feel alone and at odds with one another.
Having counseled many couples through the empty nest stage I appreciate that David and Claudia Arp have given some serious thought to pressing challenges and opportunities these couples face. In fact, they make it clear that many of their ideas come from their own struggles to become closer as they entered that phase of life themselves.
But they approach it in a positive and playful way. They help to point out the great opportunities that accompany these changes. They provide thoughtful ways to discuss things that wives and husbands want to discuss but might not know how to bring up in day-to-day conversation. I suggest you check out “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters”.